Weaning off Alcohol
by Lullaby of a Deserted Hell
Summary: Lussuria thought that it was high time the boss paid attention to his health. Crack One-shot.


Disclaimer: Disclaimed

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Lussuria thought that it was high and time that his beloved boss should start treasuring his health.

It started with the clearing of the wine cabinets, getting rid of one bottle at a time. As he picked up a bottle, checked the year and chucked it into the little black trash bag that he had taken along with him to rid of the distasteful beverage, his smile would grow wider.

"My, this is a good brand of wine. I think I'll send it to that little dormouse of a boss," he said to himself, in a sing-song tune. And by "little dormouse of a boss", he definitely meant the Vongola Decimo. After all, in the Vongola, there was no other that could fit that description. Especially Xanxus; calling him a dormouse would surmount to digging your personal grave in the Varia's backyard – that was if you had not already been incinerated by the wrath of his flames. If put that way, getting a personal plot of land in the Varia's compound would have been quite the honour.

Lussuria gingerly placed the bottle to the side.

The next day was met with destruction and chaos. Levi was sent to the hospital; Squalo just barely escaped with his skin – scratch that – life intact. Belphegor had wisely (with that genius of his) dragged Fran along on a very dangerous mission as soon as he heard that Lussuria was _trying to wean the boss off alcohol_. Nothing, it had been reinforced and hammered into each of the Varias' heads, was more dangerous than a sober Xanxus.

"VOOOI! THAT HURTS!" Squalo yowled as Lussuria yanked, or in his words, _carefully extracted _pieces of glass from Squalo's arm. He had taken quite a chunk of the wrath – two wine glasses flung at him as soon as word got to Xanxus that his alcohol stash had been depleted overnight.

"Let me take. Good. Care. Of. You~! Squalo, darling!" Lussuria hummed and tugged out another piece of glass – which was followed by another loud yelp.

Had Fran been there, he would have probably said something along the lines of:

"Stop complaining, you stupid shark. You've already almost become _shark bait. _This should be nothing."

"Voi! Who was the asshole who stole the alcohol anyway?!"

Lussuria chuckled.

"Of course it was me. Dar~ling!"

Squalo turned his head around, smacking Lussuria's face with his long, _silky, "Varia quality hair". _

"VOI! ARE YOU FUCKING OUT OF YOUR MIND?"

"We all are, darling, we all are. I mean, look at Belphegor!"

"I meant figuratively, you stupid fag! Voi! Are you trying to kill us all? The boss is going to fire us all! And by that, it's _not going to be in a figurative sense anymore!_"

Lussuria could already hear a silent continuation of his sentence, which definitely consisted of the words "baby" and "idiot".

At that moment, the sound of glass crashing against the wall could be heard.

"Well, I guess I could go cheer our darling boss up with a glass of orange juice," Lussuria tittered, and pulled out the last glass shard, "go to the infirmary to take care of the rest, Squalo!"

You see, Lussuria, being the mother hen that he was, was immune to Xanxus' rage. Some people would argue that he was a complete sadist in disguise, because he _openly enjoyed it. _

Swiftly taking the glass of juice and the top of a trash can with him for god-knows-what reason, he knocked on the expensive oak doors of the head office and walked in, armed with the trash can's cover. With that, he was saved from the incoming butter knife (Yes, Xanxus was probably the only one who could make a _butter knife hurt.) _which lodged itself quite firmly into the metal. The purpose of the lid was finally made known. (Lussuria was nothing short of wise, avoiding the paraphernalia with just a trash can lid.)

"Boss~! I've come with some orange juice for you! The weather now is quite warm, you see, this juice will hydrate you right up! You can't afford to fall sick now, can you~?" Lussuria chimed joyfully.

"Scum. Who do you take me for, a five year old?"

At this moment, everyone might have agreed that Xanxus indeed had a temperament of a five year old kid, no offence to all five year old kids out there.

Lussuria calmly set the juice on the edge of the table, far from Xanxus, before tipping his head, raising the trash can's lid to once again, narrowly avoiding the fork that had found its way there, and walked out of the room. As soon as he was out, the crashing of glass to the floor and juice spilling could be heard.

"My~! That boss, always giving me extra cleaning duties!"

And thus, the chaos and destruction that ensued the Varia compound went on for days. That was, until Sawada Tsunayoshi, being the highly capable and intuitive boss that he was, sent a case of the best wines to the Varia.

From that day on, the Varia owed him their eternal gratitude. They never had been any more loyal.


End file.
